Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
