yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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