Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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