3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i will never coherently bang her
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
