Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
