We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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