I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
