It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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