Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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