did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
