I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
