I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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