You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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