mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
