Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
