John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
