theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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