how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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