apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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