i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize