So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
