first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize