If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
