Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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