i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
