i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
