my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
