I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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