I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
