she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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