we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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