I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
