We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
