Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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