he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
