last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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