I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Send help, water and tortillas.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
