I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
