You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize