were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
