I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
