Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
