I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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