That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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