so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
