I heard we made out
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
