Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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