Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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