Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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