my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
