Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
