Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
