i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
