The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize