4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
