The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
