I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
