Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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