I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize