I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
