remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
