I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
